The Temple of George W. Bush
A place for the veneration of images of our Dear Leader.
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
A Message from Dear Leader
Dearest Bretheren, I have news of great joy... we know how Dear Leader has appeared among us in miraculous forms... He now wishes the Faithful to know he will use the internets to communicate directly to those who believe in Him.
It is His will that all Believers read Your Daily Thought from Dear Leader on a regular basis.
Thursday, January 20, 2005
He is Risen.
Monday, November 01, 2004
A Message from Dear Leader
Dearest Bretheren, I was blessed tonight to be given a message for the Faithful.
The call came late this evening. Dear Leader's voice was hoarse with sanctity and it boomed and rolled like he was talking through an empty whiskey bottle. He remembered the nickname he gave me (Shithouse Rat), which of course gave me much gratification.
He asked me "how it was hanging." He then revealed unto me that he had an urgent message which must be delivered to those who believe in him... in his divine annointment... and in his infallibilty.
Here, as usual unedited by profane hands, is Dear Leader's Message to his Church:
posted by grytpype at 9:05 PM
Thursday, September 02, 2004
To Disbelieve is to Burn (Maybe)
Believers, of late I have heard from many of you who are being tested in your faith in Dear Leader. This is very distressing -- I need not remind you that doubt in Dear Leader is a severe offense against God Almighty. Nevertheless, in the interests of rejuvenating your adherence to our holy religion, I will put the argument for Belief.
Dear Leader claims that he, and only he can save civilization from total annhilation by terrorists. One can either believe that claim or not believe it. If we do not believe the claim, but it is true, civilization is wiped out and we lose everything. If we believe it, but it is not true, then we suffer the cost of being badly misgovered by the worst president since Reconstruction. However, in that case we still have something, which is better than total anihilation. Accordingly, Belief in Dear Leader is the only rational position, no matter how unlikely it is that the claim is true.
Wednesday, June 30, 2004
Good evening True Believers. Today's sermon is on optimism.
Optimism is the belief that all is for the best and that this is the best of all possible worlds. The philosophic argument for optimism is that an infinitely good, benevolent, and powerful Creator would not make less than the possible best world. Or in other words, no matter whatever evil we may think we see, the overall situation is inevitably good, and God Almighty himself could not have improved upon it.
Dear Leader is known to be an optimist to an unusual degree.
join in the googlebomb: most liberal senator
posted by grytpype at 11:31 PM
Saturday, June 19, 2004
Welcome, dearest Bretheren.
This morning's sermon is on Miracles. A miracle is the violation of the divine, immutable, eternal laws of nature. Dear Leader's administration is a "continuous miracle," as we say in theology.
Definition of miracle from Voltaire, Philosophical Dictionary... sorry, no link
Thursday, June 03, 2004
Visit the ToGWB Gift Shop!
Do you love Dear Leader? Can you not get enough of his infinite wisdom? Do you tremble in awe at the might bestowed upon him by Almighty God?
Show your love with an item from the Temple of George W. Bush Gift Shop. We offer a Blessed Mug, bearing the image of the Sacred Commode on the front and the Names of Dear Leader on the back. We also have a portrait sticker of Dear Leader in full imperial regalia. All proceeds go to the support of the Temple and its ministry.
Tuesday, June 01, 2004
Barbeque Unto the World
Dear Bretheren, today we celebrate another step toward fiscal salvation, as we officially launch The Temple of George W. Bush Barbeque Grill and Family Restaurant, with six locations in and about the Greater El Paso Area.
Dear Leader himself has taken time out of his very busy job of being the World War President to endorse The Temple of George W. Bush Barbeque Grill and Family Restaurant. Here, in his own words, unedited by the hands of the vulgar, are his own words:
Personal Note: to the Believer who keeps donating dead possums, please stop. I can't sell them at any price.
posted by grytpype at 9:41 PM
Thursday, May 27, 2004
The Shrine of the Blessed Commode
There has been much curiosity amongst the Faithful about the planned Shrine of the Blessed Commode, which will soon rise over the Texas plain.
To commemorate Dear Leader's victories over the Assyrians, Sumerians, Mesopotamians, and Babylonians, the Shrine will be constructed as a full-scale replica of the famed Ziggurat of Ur, known to the ancient Heathen as Etemennigur, meaning “a house whose foundation creates terror.”
The Blessed Commode itself shall be housed in the temple atop the ziggurat. When complete, Pilgrims will ascend the stairs in droves to venerate the sacred miracle where the image of Dear Leader first manifested itself.
As the site of the Shrine is far from any municipal sanitary system, the pipe descending from the Sacred Commode shall be disposed to commit refuse to one of the many dry wells sunk by Dear Leader during the days he was overtly in the oil business.
The interior of the ziggurat will be totally inaccessible from the outside. It will be the site of Dear Leader's Presidential Library and Museum.
But let me be clear: glorifying Dear Leader in a such a way will require significant funds. Despite my appeal of last week, the Temple has received very little in the way of cash donations from the Faithful, and the goods and merchandise donated thus far have been either perishable or far too soiled to fetch much of a price at sale. So again, I urge you to send as much cash, valuables, and salable items as you can to my attention at the Temple. Do so, and soon Dear Leader will have the everlasting tribute he deserves.
Monday, May 17, 2004
Your Prophet Needs Money
Dearest Bretheren, I come to you today with an urgent appeal. The Temple is in dire need of your financial help.
In addition to bearing the significant costs of sending me to distant parts of the Globe to spread the good news of Dear Leader, in recent months the Temple has entered into, shall we say, a fiscal purgatory due to forces largely beyond our control.
Our expenditures in establishing Bushtown were unexpectedly high, due in large part to an outbreak of virulent hemmoraegic cholera which pretty much wiped out the first wave of settlers and left behind a sanitary nightmare that is best left undescribed. The deceased Believers' non-refundable deposits fall far short of what is needed to restore Bushtown to a habitable condition.
The Temple has also made irrevocable commitments to certain well-connected Texas construction firms for the erection of the Shrine of the Sacred Commode. When completed (est. 2d Quarter 2005) the Shrine will house the Blessed Appliance for purposes of public veneration. The various costs already incurred, for finder's fees, consulting fees, incentives, and so on... well, let's just say Dear Leader has a lot of friends and they all need to be paid.
And although we have been exploring other revenue generating schemes, such as a chain of ToGWB-themed barbeque restaurants in the greater El Paso area, it will be months before they get off the ground much less start generating free cash flow for the Temple's immediate needs.
So, you can see what the problem is. Your Prophet needs your unrestrained financial support. Send as much money (and readily salable items) as you can as soon as you can to: The Temple of George W. Bush, New York, NY 10010. May Dear Leader smile upon your offspring.
Wednesday, May 05, 2004
Welcome to Bushtown!
Are you tired of being persecuted for your beliefs? Do people laugh at your Dear Leader portrait badge? Do you sometimes hear Unbelievers refer to Him as "President Post Turtle" or "Dim Son?"
Well, your troubles are over! Finally, there's a place where Believers can always feel at home. The Temple of George W. Bush Agricultural Project, also known as Bushtown, is now accepting applications.
Built in the verdant jungle of the Texas panhandle, Bushtown is a safe haven for true Believers. No longer must you endure the mockery of liberal intellectual elitists! At Bushtown, you will live a Dear Leader-filled life in the company of other right-thinking patriots!
And best of all, you will never, ever, hear a bad word said about Dear Leader! To apply, just leave a comment stating in 750 words or more why Dear Leader is the very bestest President the World has ever had!
Monday, April 26, 2004
More Forbidden Names
Your Prophet has received a bull from the White House forbidding the Faithful to refer to Dear Leader using any of the following terms:
Thursday, April 01, 2004
The Miraculous Appearence of the Blessed Visage
Faithful Believers, I just realized that I have never fully told the story of the first miraculous appearence of the Blessed Visage of our Dear Leader.
For reasons which are not necessary to go into at this time, I live alone. My housekeeping is about average for a bachelor. I noticed that the stain on the interior of my commode was beginning to suggest a human face. I thought nothing of it at the time, but as the weeks passed, the stain appeared more and more human. Soon, it was unmistakable.
It was only at that point that I thought to photograph the Apparition. If only I had taken a series of pictures of the image as it was developing, it would make a very interesting object of study.
Soon, the Blessed Visage began appearing all over the country, triggering an unprecedented religious awakening. The entire world soon came to know of the good news, as Dear Leader's heavily armed missionaries spread his vision of One Nation Under Dear Leader to every continent.
Monday, March 29, 2004
The Crawford Credo
Dearest Bretheren, after consultation with the Holy Spirits (gin, mostly), I now promulgate the following Credo.
Let all Believers learn it by heart.
Thursday, March 25, 2004
Dear Leader is not to be Doubted
Good evening, Brothers and Sisters.
Many Believers have been asking me about the horrible things that are being said about Dear Leader. Things such as:
He doesn't like to read a lot - not terribly interested in analysis. He is very interested in getting to the bottom line. Once he's done he puts a lot of strength behind pushing it, but there's not a lot of analysis before the decision.
Let me be perfectly clear about this.
Dear Leader was appointed by the Almighty himself to be President. Are you saying God is wrong? Because if you are, I think you had better reconsider your position. God is quick to anger. Do not turn his anger on America by spurning his Chosen One. You don't want to know what would happen. We've been going along with the joke the entire time, and we're still getting the shit kicked out of us. You want to find out what it would be like if God was angry? I sure as fuck don't.
Dear Leader must not be doubted.
Thursday, March 18, 2004
Speaking in Tongues
Believer kentuck recently posted the following tribute to Dear Leader on Democractic Underground. I will reproduce it here in full as a reminder of Dear Leader's exemplary virtues.
[Dear Leader] is simply so brilliant that America cannot help but follow his leadership. His judgment is so trusted because his intelligence is unquestioned. It would be a very rare occasion that he might be wrong. This is the type of guy you would trust your life to because his complex thought processes always figure out the possibilities in every circumstance. He would never act in haste or be impatient with the lives of others. His intellect is so strong that people just naturally put their faith in his decisions. What might appear to some as arrogance is really just a supreme confidence in his own abilities to make the right decision. After all, look at all the decisions he has made up to this time in his life. His business failures and personal failures were caused by outside influences and never by the acute decisions made by this great leader. America can sleep well at night knowing that [Dear Leader] is in charge.
Truly thou art blessed.
Sunday, March 14, 2004
Dear Leader is Coming to Your Town!!!
Because we are going through the motions of having an election this year, Dear Leader will visit your town or village. Yes, it is very exciting, but there are a few things you must know.
Only those who truly love Dear Leader deep in their hearts can be admitted into his presence. If you are not among the chosen, remain in your home with the lights out, and stay well away from any windows until Dear Leader is long gone. Use the time to think about what is wrong with you, and how you can love Dear Leader more.
If you are among the Blessed Few to be allowed in to the Presence, you must conduct yourself with utmost holyness. When Dear Leader enters the room, you must applaud with all your strength. Don't be the first one to stop applauding, or you may not like what happens next. When Dear Leader speaks, listen reverently, and smile, smile, smile. Resist any urge to shout out remarks like "bullshit" -- I don't need to tell you what will happen to you otherwise!
You may be asked to speak to Dear Leader. If so, you will be provided with what to say, which will involve praising Dear Leader for creating so many jobs in your town and protecting it from terror attacks. Do not deviate from your script in any way.
And you are not to use the following expressions in any way while Dear Leader is visiting:
Wednesday, March 03, 2004
Only Dear Leader Can Protect Us
It is very distressing that Dear Leader is being opposed in the General Election. Dear Bretheren, do not be fooled by this vile beast sent forth by Satan to lead America away from the True Path.
Dear Leader was appointed by Almighty God to protect America and keep it safe. God even allowed 9/11 to happen to remind us all how much America needs protecting. If America votes against God's Chosen One, there will be trouble. I say unto you, God will not be mocked. Dear Leader is entitled to your vote as much as he is entitled to your reverence.
Monday, February 16, 2004
We Must Praise Dear Leader
We are very grateful for Dear Leader, and it is the duty of all young Americans to learn how to honor him properly.
Sunday, February 01, 2004
The Last Day
My prophecy that Dear Leader will be taken from us on January 20 hence has caused an outpouring of grief amongst the Faithful. But though I rend my garments as I post this, it is true, it is true, as of January 20 next, Dear Leader will lead us no more.
Indeed, it has pleased the Almighty to bless me with a vision of the Last Day.
Friday, January 30, 2004
More Guidance from Above
Following up on my epistle of December last, the following names are also considered blasphemous:
Wednesday, January 21, 2004
A Consoling Thought
A believer at the National Bureau of Standards points out that 2004 is a leap year - and thus we will an enjoy extra day of Dear Leader's blessed command. Is is just a coincidence that the Almighty so arranged the calendar? Even in the smallest things, we see the intervening hand of the Divine upholding Dear Leader.
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
The Final Year
Your unworthy Prophet was blessed to be in the audience at our Dear Leader's address. I'm the one in the back wearing the mitre and swinging an incense censor. I was originally scheduled to procede our Dear Leader down the aisle, but during dress rehersal he complained that the aroma of the smouldering oxdung incense was so overpowering he could not taste his drink.
But even now, as the world is on bent and bruised knee before Dear Leader, I have grave tidings of woe... for you see, dearest Bretheren, the End Times are upon us!
Yes, though it is as bitter as unrefined Panhandle crude, the nuggets of prophesy revealed by my gimlet eye have convinced me that our Dear Leader shall be taken away from us -- at the very stroke of noon on the day one year hence!
Anyone who has a little learning knows the relevant verse of Nostradamus:
And consider this largely forgotten Delphic prophesy:
Perhaps most troubling of all is this sacred writ:
posted by grytpype at 10:18 PM
Tuesday, December 16, 2003
The Ten Thousand Names of Dear Leader
Our Dear Leader is known by many names:
The following names are blasphemous and must not be uttered under any circumstances:
Wednesday, April 30, 2003
The Gospel of Dear Leader
This weblog is getting awfully long and it's confusing for newcomers, so your unworthy Prophet will now undertake to write of those matters which have been fulfiled among us.
In November to December A.D. 2000, it pleased Almighty God to perform a series of astonishing
In the weeks before the conquest of Iraq, the appearance of Dear Leader's Blessed Visage in a stain on the interior of my water closet caused a nationwide religious awakening, as the People realized Dear Leader actually was, as he says, appointed by the Almighty. The miracle was repeated across the country: on a sweat sock, on a pig's hindquarter, in frostblisters, on the Dale Earnhardt goat, and on a suspicious-looking mole, probably a melanoma of some sort. Since the first apparation was in my sanitary appliance, I took on the role of Dear Leader's Prophet.
Controversy swirled around the Blessed Swine as he was mobbed by the faithful, taken to a secure undisclosed location, went missing, was reported as pignapped by Iraq, but that hoax was uncovered, and his whereabouts are still unknown.
It then pleased God to reveal to your unworthy Prophet the world's destiny under Dear Leader. After being coronated, Dear Leader rapidly brought the world into his grasp (1 2), easily crushing the token opposition (1 2 3).
Tuesday, April 29, 2003
Profiles of the Blessed Brothers
First-time Worshipers follow this link to the post that started it all and read upwards!
Beloved Bretheren, in the weeks since the divine revelation of the Blessed Visage, we have spoken much about our Dear Leader. But what of his Blessed Brothers? For he does have Brothers, and while they may lack the divine spark and maniacal glint that so becomes Dear Leader, they will play a very prominent role in our future. They are America's Royal Dukes, if you will.
When Dear Leader's plans are complete, Jeb will get what's east of the Mississippi, and Neil will get what's west.
Monday, April 28, 2003
Followup on the Wyoming Stigmatic
Earlier, your unworthy Prophet had the pleasure of reporting the appearence of the Blessed Visage in the form of a mole-like stigma on the back of a 58-year-old Wyoming woman (an unemployed hairdresser).
This afternoon I received the following update from the Wyoming Stigmatic:
The meaning of this apparition of the Blessed Visage is too obvious to comment upon.
Wednesday, April 16, 2003
Should pious frauds be practiced on the people?
The world knows that Dear Leader and his Blessed Party seized power and exercise that power by means of hundreds of absurd impostures, from rigging elections to feigning a bleeding-heart concern for the freedom of the Iraqi people. Dear Leader's official spokesperson, Ari Fleisher, can't even say "Please pass the salt" without lying. This raises the question: are Dear Leader and his servants censurable for violating the commandment against bearing false witness?
I begin with the proposition that the Ten Commandments, including the admonition against bearing false witness, is not binding on the Almighty himself. It is obvious that the Commandments, by their very terms, cannot be applicable to God. He has no father or mother to honor; since everything ultimately belongs to Him He cannot steal or be covetous; nor can He commit adultery, etc. The Commandments were given to Israel to guide their lives -- not to bind the hands that gave those Commandments.
Logic dictates that Dear Leader, as the Almighty's right hand and annointed agent upon the Earth, partakes of that same immunity. The Decalogue simply does not apply to Dear Leader any more than it applies to God. Moreover, Dear Leader's immunity is delagable to his servants and to his Blessed Party. Thus, while Dear Leader's frauds may provoke astonishment, laughter, and shudders, they cannot offend on the grounds of transgressing our received Moral Code as properly understood.
I note that as a practical matter, whatever serves to bring the people closer to the Almighty through their subjegation to Dear Leader must be tolerated. A punctillious obsession with truth-telling would greatly restrict the avenues through which Dear Leader can impose his Will.
Sunday, April 13, 2003
Heathen Uprising in San Francisco
Your unworthy Prophet has received very disturbing news from the Wrong Coast. A crowd of reprobate Heathens has toppled a statue of Dear Leader in San Francisco. The statue was a gift to the people of that city from Harken Energy Corporation, as part of their program to dispose of the tons of steel scrap left over from Dear Leader's attempts to find oil in Texas.
Tuesday, April 08, 2003
Regime Change 2004? Not likely!
Your unworthy Prophet apologizes for the lack of updates over the past week. I was attending a retreat for the Faithful in Dear Leader's home state of Texas, within sight of his Blessed Ranch. Attendees meditated for days in the blazing sun atop an abandoned oil derrick, and doused themselves in spiritous liquors. Needless to say, we did not have Internet access. But it was a very relaxing and spiritually uplifting experience.
Recently a certain hell-spawned Heathen who wants to wear the Daddy Pants (I will not soil this sacred Blog by mentioning his name) has called for "regime change" in the Holy Land at the next scheduled Presidential election. I think it will surprise none of the Faithful to know that it is not the Almighty's plan that America should be led by a heroic, decorated war veteran. Already, Dear Leader's ministers are taking all possible steps to maintain his grip on power, as his nuncio Ari Fleischer declared at a press conference today:
posted by grytpype at 8:16 PM
Monday, March 31, 2003
Dear Leader: High or Dry?
Your unworthy Prophet has received several politely-worded inquiries from Believers wanting to know if Dear Leader has "fallen off the wagon" recently.
I will caution the Faithful that it is not advisable to inquire about such matters. The official White House position is that Dear Leader was a reeling, stinking, violent drunk in his youth, but he has been dry for a good 18 years now.
The recent curiousity is provoked, no doubt, by events in Iraq where at this moment hundreds of thousands of Dear Leader's missionaries are spreading the Gospel.
The way Dear Leader normally imposes his Will is to declare victory in advance, thus acquiring an "Aura of Inevitability" about his person. The holy radience of this Aura causes all opposition to melt away. That his how Dear Leader seized power in 2000, how he looted the entire U.S. Treasury in only two years, and how he gets things done generally.
Dear Leader has been declaring victory in Iraq for months. But unlike America, Iraq is infested with tens of millions of a certain kind of person that do not know an Aura of Invincibility when they see one, so they continue to make themselves objectionable by defying Dear Leader's Will.
If the Aura does not bring Iraq under Dear Leader's heel as it did America, Dear Leader will move on to Plan B, called "Drink and Forget." Under this plan, Dear Leader will consume mass quantities of wine, whiskey, athletic lineaments, formaldehyde, and veterinary tranquilizers. This will cause the room to spin and spin and spin until the insurgents get so dizzy they throw down their AK-47s and give profuse thanks for their subjegation.
I am not at liberty to say whether Plan B is in effect.
Saturday, March 29, 2003
ToGWB Liturgical Calendar
Your unworthy Prophet has determined that the cultus of Dear Leader should adopt a Liturgical Calendar, since it is becoming a Major World Religion thanks to its vigorous, well-armed Missionaries.
By following the Calendar, the reflections of the Faithful will be focused on various miraculous events in the life of Dear Leader. Unlike some religions, there are no fasting days in the ToGWB Calendar.
posted by grytpype at 12:09 AM
Friday, March 28, 2003
The World Embraces Dear Leader
As Dear Leader sweeps the Nations into his grasp like so many little bottles of booze from a Minibar, a benighted few Heathens cling on to their illusions of national sovereignty and self-determination.
I say unto you, the only choice is between accepting Dear Leader and denying him, inviting thereby the retribution of the Almighty.
Consider how much sweeter it is to accept Dear Leader than to be blown to bits by a high-tech ordnance delivery vector in the course of Dear Leader's global power projection. Think about it. Then surrender.
Sunday, March 23, 2003
Theological Q and A
A young Believer writes in with this theological conundrum:
What happens to the souls of the little Heathen babies who die from the Missionary work before they accept Dear Leader? -Janie P.S., I love Dear Leader!
What happens to the souls of the little Heathen babies who die from the Missionary work before they accept Dear Leader?
P.S., I love Dear Leader!
Saturday, March 22, 2003
Heathens on the March
Your unworthy Prophet finds this hard to believe, but there are apparently enough Heathens remaining in the world to constitute themselves into a sizeable assembly. Today, millions of the poor unshriven bastards demonstrated against Dear Leader. Even in New York, over 200,000 Heathens marched down Broadway in open defiance of Dear Leader's expressed Will.
Dear Leader's Missionaries made quick work of them. The Faithful are encouraged to report any remaining pockets of resistance for intense Missionary outreach.
Friday, March 21, 2003
Missionary activity proceeds apace
Let the Faithful rejoice! Our zealous Missionaries are covering the globe with an awesome display of Dear Leader's imperial power. At last report, 30-45 countries have submitted to Dear Leader's will, at least in writing. The others are expected to fall soon, lest they become irrelevant.
Any country that wishes to submit to Dear Leader may deliver the traditional tributes of earth and water to The White House, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, D.C.
Tuesday, March 18, 2003
It is with great pleasure that I announce that this afternoon Dear Leader was crowned Emperor of the World.
The Coronation was held in the National Cathedral, which had apparently been built for just such a contingency. Attending were select members of the White House inner curia, plenipotentiaries from America's remaining allies (i.e., the U.K., Spain, and Bulgaria), and your unworthy Prophet. Due to security concerns the public was not invited to attend.
The ceremonial procession was lead by the Five Blessed Justices, who scattered smouldering ballots before them "to light the path." Then followed the envoys from America's staunch allies, bearing the traditional tributes of earth and water. Finally came Dear Leader, helped up the aisle and onto the throne by well-practiced attendants.
As he sat resplendent in his coronation vestments, he appeared alert and at times seemed to be aware of his surroundings. During one such lucid interval he noticed my presence and asked an attendant, "Who's that fellah?" After being informed, he addressed me directly, asking, "How's it hanging, Pipey-wipey?" A silent gesture from his attendant indicated that it would be inappropriate to answer the question, so I simply smiled.
While the White House Chaplain read certain select Psalms, Dear Leader took refreshment by slurping noisily from a large bottle concealed in a paper bag.
Finally, the great moment arrived. I, as Dear Leader's Prophet and Apostle, was permitted the honor of placing the imperial crown upon his head. This seemed to revive him from a light slumber. After ascertaining that he had just been crowned, he exclaimed to all present in a loud, clear voice:
Dear Leader's remarks were revised by the White House for publication as follows:
posted by grytpype at 7:17 PM
Wonderful news, Part 2!
Your unworthy Prophet has received news that what was made known to me by Revelation may soon become a reality. An official announcement regarding Dear Leader's elevation is to be made within the next 48 hours. I have been summoned to Washington D.C. to take part in some way, I have not been permitted to know all the details. Watch for updates.
Monday, March 17, 2003
"God does not talk to the sane." Dear Leader and I are living proof of the untruth of that cliche.
Just as the Almighty was pleased to cause your unworthy Prophet to know of Dear Leader's anointment, He has blessed me with another revelation.
The Good News was made known to me as I was refinishing a coffee table in my poorly-ventilated Manhattan apartment. As I applied a heavy layer of varnish remover to the table's surface, I suddenly became lightheaded with religious ecstacy. Losing consciousness, I had a miraculous vision:
I awoke with a splitting headache, and with my forehead firmly adhered to my coffee table.
The meaning of my vision is clear. The Almighty is not content to place Dear Leader over America. No--God intends to make our Dear Leader the new Cyrus, the new Alexander, the new Caesar, the new Charlemagne, yet greater than all of them combined. All the Nations are to submit to Dear Leader's will.
Even now, hundreds of thousands of heavily armed Missionaries are preparing to flood across now-irrelevant borders to spread the Gospel to the Heathen masses. I implore the Faithful to keep their televisions on at all times, tuned to Fox News, and rejoice with great gladness that the new Order is at hand.
Saturday, March 15, 2003
Washington overrun with Heathens
Your unworthy Prophet returned late last night from a trip to Washington D.C. that did not turn out as planned.
I made the journey intending to present to Dear Leader a heavily soiled sanitary undergarment bearing his Blessed Visage, which had recently surfaced in a rest home for the criminally insane in Hoboken.
When I arrived in Washington I found I could not even get near the White House due to huge crowds of people, numbering 100,000 or so, that had taken over the streets. (Click on thumb at left for a gallery.) Many of them seemed angry and were waving signs and placards that were not at all complementary to Dear Leader. They seemed to be mostly concerned with Iraq. I tried to tell some of them that they needn't worry because the story about the Blessed Swine being pignapped by the Iraqis was a hoax, but they did not understand. I can only conclude that these were Heathens who had not heard the good news of of Dear Leader's annointment by the Almighty.
Luckily, I did encounter a group of 50 or so Believers, who I understand were from the D.C. chapter of Free Republic. (Click on thumb at left for a gallery.) Being unable to present the Blessed Undergarment to Dear Leader, I gave it to them. They received it with appropriate gestures of respect, kissing the Undergarment reverently and swearing it would be their most treasured possession. So the trip was not a total waste. However, upon arriving home it took many hours of venerating the Blessed Commode before I regained my sense of moral clarity.
Wednesday, March 12, 2003
Blessed Swine Shocker! Recording, photo are fakes!
Your unworthy Prophet has evidence from an unimpeachable source that the Iraqi pignapping story is a hoax! Early this week I received the following encrypted email:
It's all a lie about the Blessed Swine. Please tell the world. My conscience can't take the strain any more.
I provided the memo to several well-placed members of the national media. Under intense questioning, Ari Fleisher had this to say:
When confronted with the memo, Mr. Fleischer terminated the press conference and stormed out of the room.
In light of these shocking revelations, the Faithful can rest assured that the Blessed Swine is not in Iraq... but his whereabouts are still a mystery. Once again, I implore the Faithful to send any possible leads to templeofgwbush AT hotmail.com.
Saturday, March 08, 2003
Coming soon to ToGWB: Public Display of the Blessed Commode
The clamoring of the Faithful for a glimpse of the Blessed Commode has reached such a pitch that your Prophet can no longer ignore it. And indeed, it is not my desire to deprive the Faithful of the life-changing experience of gazing on the Blessed Visage as it was originally revealed to me by Providence. But as I have said before, my bathroom is too small to serve as a public shrine.
Therefore, to accomodate the spiritual needs of the Faithful, I intend to provide a public space for display and veneration of the Blessed Commode. I am soliciting designs for the space from the world's leading architects, spiritual leaders, and plumbers. The most tasteful and spiritually uplifting designs, as chosen by me, will be displayed here for the consideration of the Faithful.
Friday, March 07, 2003
My response to my common unjudicious Criticks
Sadly, I have received many emails reproving me for promoting the veneration of the image of Dear Leader. My Criticks complain that Dear Leader was not properly elected, that he is the worst President of our lifetimes, perhaps of all time, that his Administration has been an unmitigated disaster for the Nation and the World, etc.
First, although this is not to the point, I wish to make it clear that I did not choose to be the Prophet of our Dear Leader. How I was chosen to first receive his Blessed Image in my Commode I know not, but I have done all I can in my humble way to fulfil the role that the Almighty, working through his right arm Dear Leader, has thrust upon me.
Second, I have no quarrel with my Criticks over the facts which are well known to the public and part of an undisputable historical record. I know Dear Leader was not chosen by the People, and I have never said otherwise. He was chosen by the Almighty. My Criticks, who have never gazed into the Blessed Commode, may scoff at my simple piety and moral clarity. But leaving aside those miracles documented in this humble blog, I challenge my Criticks to explain how a lazy, alcoholic, coked-up imbecile could become the de facto Overlord of the entire globe? The very improbability of it strongly suggests the intervening hand of the Divine.
Third, whether Dear Leader's Blessed Administration is a ultimately for the good or the ruin of Humanity is entirely in the hands of the Almighty who once deluged the World and wiped out nearly all its Life.
I merely ask my Criticks to consider that before they fire off an email.
Thursday, March 06, 2003
Appalling Breakthrough in Blessed Swine Mystery
White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer condemned the pignapping in an emergency press conference:
Iraqi Minister of Agriculture Abdulilah H. Mohammed vehemently denied the charges:
I will post updates as the story develops...