Tuesday, March 18, 2003

 
Coronation Day

It is with great pleasure that I announce that this afternoon Dear Leader was crowned Emperor of the World.

The Coronation was held in the National Cathedral, which had apparently been built for just such a contingency. Attending were select members of the White House inner curia, plenipotentiaries from America's remaining allies (i.e., the U.K., Spain, and Bulgaria), and your unworthy Prophet. Due to security concerns the public was not invited to attend.

The ceremonial procession was lead by the Five Blessed Justices, who scattered smouldering ballots before them "to light the path." Then followed the envoys from America's staunch allies, bearing the traditional tributes of earth and water. Finally came Dear Leader, helped up the aisle and onto the throne by well-practiced attendants.

As he sat resplendent in his coronation vestments, he appeared alert and at times seemed to be aware of his surroundings. During one such lucid interval he noticed my presence and asked an attendant, "Who's that fellah?" After being informed, he addressed me directly, asking, "How's it hanging, Pipey-wipey?" A silent gesture from his attendant indicated that it would be inappropriate to answer the question, so I simply smiled.

While the White House Chaplain read certain select Psalms, Dear Leader took refreshment by slurping noisily from a large bottle concealed in a paper bag.

Finally, the great moment arrived. I, as Dear Leader's Prophet and Apostle, was permitted the honor of placing the imperial crown upon his head. This seemed to revive him from a light slumber. After ascertaining that he had just been crowned, he exclaimed to all present in a loud, clear voice:

Wheeee! Look at me everybody! I'm the Duke of Earl! Is it happy hour yet?

Dear Leader's remarks were revised by the White House for publication as follows:

Inasmuch as it has pleased God to unite in Us the absolute temporal and spiritual power over His Creation, we now exercise Our Dominion by the following Proclaimations:

First: We shall dispose of the Creation and any part thereof as We may see fit from time to time, without regard to any law, regulation, treaty, custom, usage, or sense of natural justice; and

Second: We shall utterly persecute and do to death any person who dares oppose Our Will by word, deed, or thought.

For such is our pleasure, proclaimed this 19th day of March, Anno. 1 Geo., in Washington, D.C.,

GEO. IMPER. MUND.

posted by grytpype at 7:17 PM