Dear Leader: High or Dry?

Your unworthy Prophet has received several politely-worded inquiries from Believers wanting to know if Dear Leader has "fallen off the wagon" recently.

I will caution the Faithful that it is not advisable to inquire about such matters. The official White House position is that Dear Leader was a reeling, stinking, violent drunk in his youth, but he has been dry for a good 18 years now.

The recent curiousity is provoked, no doubt, by events in Iraq where at this moment hundreds of thousands of Dear Leader's missionaries are spreading the Gospel.

The way Dear Leader normally imposes his Will is to declare victory in advance, thus acquiring an "Aura of Inevitability" about his person. The holy radience of this Aura causes all opposition to melt away. That his how Dear Leader seized power in 2000, how he looted the entire U.S. Treasury in only two years, and how he gets things done generally.

Dear Leader has been declaring victory in Iraq for months. But unlike America, Iraq is infested with tens of millions of a certain kind of person that do not know an Aura of Invincibility when they see one, so they continue to make themselves objectionable by defying Dear Leader's Will.

If the Aura does not bring Iraq under Dear Leader's heel as it did America, Dear Leader will move on to Plan B, called "Drink and Forget." Under this plan, Dear Leader will consume mass quantities of wine, whiskey, athletic lineaments, formaldehyde, and veterinary tranquilizers. This will cause the room to spin and spin and spin until the insurgents get so dizzy they throw down their AK-47s and give profuse thanks for their subjegation.

I am not at liberty to say whether Plan B is in effect.

posted by grytpype at 12:59 PM