Kent B. writes in with a tale of another miraculous appearence of our the Blessed Visage:

I suffered frostbite in a freak accident on a mountain. The pain was terrible, and I didn't know why this had to happen to me. Then, when the nurse removed the bandages to change the dressing...well, at first I thought I was losing my mind. But then my eyes cleared and a beheld not one, but two images of our Dear Leader manifested in my pustules and weeping blisters. Then I knew. Everything is ok now. I am at peace.

Kent the Stigmatic, you truly sit at the right hand of Dear Leader.

However, there are some whose actions cause disrepute of those things which are most surely believed among us. I refer to the false stigmatics, who limn the Blessed Visage upon their persons with, for example, soldering irons, X-Acto knives, or letter openers. Some do this out of a misguided sense of simple piety, others, in the hope of obtaining favorable tax treatment from our Dear Leader.

Your unworthy Prophet has not the time nor the travel budget to personally verify every claim of Blessed Stigmata. However, I will instruct the Faithful that a genuine stigma has the following properties:

• It clearly manifests the Blessed Visage.
• It cannot be explained by medical science.
• Contemplation of the image causes moral clarity, profound mental confusion, and (in some cases) the urge to drink heavily and use cocaine.

The Faithful may consider this post to be your unworthy Prophet's nihil obstat to the veneration of stigmata having those properties.

Update: Still no news of the whereabouts of the Blessed Swine. Not even a ransom demand.

posted by grytpype at 12:04 PM