The Temple of George W. Bush

A place for the veneration of images of our Dear Leader.

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Tuesday, May 03, 2005
A Message from Dear Leader

Dearest Bretheren, I have news of great joy... we know how Dear Leader has appeared among us in miraculous forms... He now wishes the Faithful to know he will use the internets to communicate directly to those who believe in Him.

It is His will that all Believers read Your Daily Thought from Dear Leader on a regular basis.

posted by grytpype at 10:34 AM

Thursday, January 20, 2005
He is Risen.

posted by grytpype at 12:01 PM

Monday, November 01, 2004
A Message from Dear Leader

Dearest Bretheren, I was blessed tonight to be given a message for the Faithful.

The call came late this evening. Dear Leader's voice was hoarse with sanctity and it boomed and rolled like he was talking through an empty whiskey bottle. He remembered the nickname he gave me (Shithouse Rat), which of course gave me much gratification.

He asked me "how it was hanging." He then revealed unto me that he had an urgent message which must be delivered to those who believe in him... in his divine annointment... and in his infallibilty.

Here, as usual unedited by profane hands, is Dear Leader's Message to his Church:

My children, I say America is safer, America is stronger, and freedom is on the march. And you better believe it is on the march. I was appointed by god to be president and god does not make mistakes you goddamn liberals. i go with my gut and it is always right... god speaks through me not you... so shut up...

None of this is my fault... iraq was supposed to be all over in six months why do those iraqis hate freedom so goddamn much... and the economy is clintons fault... 9/11 too... and we will get bin Laden slowly but surely we are skeaking up on him and some day he is going to turn around and it will be too late they will grab him... and i am a tough decisive leader i am not afrait to torture a few brown people for freedom not like a goddamn french liberal...

Now I want all you little shits to get your asses out to vote and when you vote you vote the straight republican ticket... or god will inflict you. i promise you that.

And if the damn liberal media says the other guy won I want all you faithful believers to go down to your local TV news station in white robes, with a can of gas and a lighter... and i am not talking about burning the TV station you are goin to be burning yourselfs in grief... and throwing your burning bodies into the station so they know you would not want to live in a world without your dear leader... can you imagine living in a world without me...

posted by grytpype at 9:05 PM

Thursday, September 02, 2004
To Disbelieve is to Burn (Maybe)

Believers, of late I have heard from many of you who are being tested in your faith in Dear Leader. This is very distressing -- I need not remind you that doubt in Dear Leader is a severe offense against God Almighty. Nevertheless, in the interests of rejuvenating your adherence to our holy religion, I will put the argument for Belief.

Dear Leader claims that he, and only he can save civilization from total annhilation by terrorists. One can either believe that claim or not believe it. If we do not believe the claim, but it is true, civilization is wiped out and we lose everything. If we believe it, but it is not true, then we suffer the cost of being badly misgovered by the worst president since Reconstruction. However, in that case we still have something, which is better than total anihilation. Accordingly, Belief in Dear Leader is the only rational position, no matter how unlikely it is that the claim is true.
posted by grytpype at 11:14 PM

Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Good evening True Believers. Today's sermon is on optimism.

Optimism is the belief that all is for the best and that this is the best of all possible worlds. The philosophic argument for optimism is that an infinitely good, benevolent, and powerful Creator would not make less than the possible best world. Or in other words, no matter whatever evil we may think we see, the overall situation is inevitably good, and God Almighty himself could not have improved upon it.

Dear Leader is known to be an optimist to an unusual degree.

join in the googlebomb: most liberal senator

posted by grytpype at 11:31 PM

Saturday, June 19, 2004

Welcome, dearest Bretheren.

This morning's sermon is on Miracles. A miracle is the violation of the divine, immutable, eternal laws of nature. Dear Leader's administration is a "continuous miracle," as we say in theology.

Definition of miracle from Voltaire, Philosophical Dictionary... sorry, no link

posted by grytpype at 8:57 AM

Thursday, June 03, 2004
Visit the ToGWB Gift Shop!

Do you love Dear Leader? Can you not get enough of his infinite wisdom? Do you tremble in awe at the might bestowed upon him by Almighty God?

Show your love with an item from the Temple of George W. Bush Gift Shop. We offer a Blessed Mug, bearing the image of the Sacred Commode on the front and the Names of Dear Leader on the back. We also have a portrait sticker of Dear Leader in full imperial regalia. All proceeds go to the support of the Temple and its ministry.
posted by grytpype at 8:14 PM

Tuesday, June 01, 2004
Barbeque Unto the World

Dear Bretheren, today we celebrate another step toward fiscal salvation, as we officially launch The Temple of George W. Bush Barbeque Grill and Family Restaurant, with six locations in and about the Greater El Paso Area.

Dear Leader himself has taken time out of his very busy job of being the World War President to endorse The Temple of George W. Bush Barbeque Grill and Family Restaurant. Here, in his own words, unedited by the hands of the vulgar, are his own words:

Barbeque can be messy sometimes. There are some people who say that folks with brown skin, not people like us, don't deserve barbeque. And I don't understand that.

When it comes to defending our barbeque, no matter how long it takes, that's exactly what this country is... Barbeque frightens people who are terrorists. Because they hate our barbeque. We love barbeque here in America. So long as we love barbeque, they hate us, and they want to hurt us. But we... we don't believe that barbeque is America's gift to the world. We believe barbeque is the God Almighty's gift to each and every person in the world.

And I will use the mightly power God has given me with to make sure that all the barbeque-loving people of the world will love barbeque just as mush as we do. So visit your local Temple of George W. Bush Barbeque Grill and Family Restaurant... they are around El Paso. I like their Abu GhaRibs with the special sauce. May God Almighty continue to baste America.

Personal Note: to the Believer who keeps donating dead possums, please stop. I can't sell them at any price.

posted by grytpype at 9:41 PM

Thursday, May 27, 2004
The Shrine of the Blessed Commode

There has been much curiosity amongst the Faithful about the planned Shrine of the Blessed Commode, which will soon rise over the Texas plain.

To commemorate Dear Leader's victories over the Assyrians, Sumerians, Mesopotamians, and Babylonians, the Shrine will be constructed as a full-scale replica of the famed Ziggurat of Ur, known to the ancient Heathen as Etemennigur, meaning “a house whose foundation creates terror.”

The Blessed Commode itself shall be housed in the temple atop the ziggurat. When complete, Pilgrims will ascend the stairs in droves to venerate the sacred miracle where the image of Dear Leader first manifested itself.

As the site of the Shrine is far from any municipal sanitary system, the pipe descending from the Sacred Commode shall be disposed to commit refuse to one of the many dry wells sunk by Dear Leader during the days he was overtly in the oil business.

The interior of the ziggurat will be totally inaccessible from the outside. It will be the site of Dear Leader's Presidential Library and Museum.

But let me be clear: glorifying Dear Leader in a such a way will require significant funds. Despite my appeal of last week, the Temple has received very little in the way of cash donations from the Faithful, and the goods and merchandise donated thus far have been either perishable or far too soiled to fetch much of a price at sale. So again, I urge you to send as much cash, valuables, and salable items as you can to my attention at the Temple. Do so, and soon Dear Leader will have the everlasting tribute he deserves.

posted by grytpype at 12:25 PM

Monday, May 17, 2004
Your Prophet Needs Money

Dearest Bretheren, I come to you today with an urgent appeal. The Temple is in dire need of your financial help.

In addition to bearing the significant costs of sending me to distant parts of the Globe to spread the good news of Dear Leader, in recent months the Temple has entered into, shall we say, a fiscal purgatory due to forces largely beyond our control.

Our expenditures in establishing Bushtown were unexpectedly high, due in large part to an outbreak of virulent hemmoraegic cholera which pretty much wiped out the first wave of settlers and left behind a sanitary nightmare that is best left undescribed. The deceased Believers' non-refundable deposits fall far short of what is needed to restore Bushtown to a habitable condition.

The Temple has also made irrevocable commitments to certain well-connected Texas construction firms for the erection of the Shrine of the Sacred Commode. When completed (est. 2d Quarter 2005) the Shrine will house the Blessed Appliance for purposes of public veneration. The various costs already incurred, for finder's fees, consulting fees, incentives, and so on... well, let's just say Dear Leader has a lot of friends and they all need to be paid.

And although we have been exploring other revenue generating schemes, such as a chain of ToGWB-themed barbeque restaurants in the greater El Paso area, it will be months before they get off the ground much less start generating free cash flow for the Temple's immediate needs.

So, you can see what the problem is. Your Prophet needs your unrestrained financial support. Send as much money (and readily salable items) as you can as soon as you can to: The Temple of George W. Bush, New York, NY 10010. May Dear Leader smile upon your offspring.

posted by grytpype at 8:16 PM

Wednesday, May 05, 2004
Welcome to Bushtown!

Dearest Bretheren,

Are you tired of being persecuted for your beliefs? Do people laugh at your Dear Leader portrait badge? Do you sometimes hear Unbelievers refer to Him as "President Post Turtle" or "Dim Son?"

Well, your troubles are over! Finally, there's a place where Believers can always feel at home. The Temple of George W. Bush Agricultural Project, also known as Bushtown, is now accepting applications.

Built in the verdant jungle of the Texas panhandle, Bushtown is a safe haven for true Believers. No longer must you endure the mockery of liberal intellectual elitists! At Bushtown, you will live a Dear Leader-filled life in the company of other right-thinking patriots!

Deluxe accommodations are available for those who donate at Ranger or Pioneer levels!

You will joyously harvest crops for Dear Leader's table and for export to countries that have money!

Fox News on the loudspeakers, twenty-four hours a day!

Entertainment by Believer-friendly stars!

Marathon addresses from Dear Leader at the Enron Pavillion!

Tense? Blow off some steam at the Exxon-Mobil Interrogation Hut!

Enjoy world-class cuisine! (Bushtown serves only Flavor-aid Brand beverages... our own special blend!)

And best of all, you will never, ever, hear a bad word said about Dear Leader! To apply, just leave a comment stating in 750 words or more why Dear Leader is the very bestest President the World has ever had!

posted by grytpype at 3:23 PM

Monday, April 26, 2004
More Forbidden Names

Your Prophet has received a bull from the White House forbidding the Faithful to refer to Dear Leader using any of the following terms:

The Pretendident
President Evil
Spurious George
His Simian Majesty
Felonious Monk
Toxic Texan
Gutless Wonder Boy
George WTF Bush
The Son King
Jeenyus at Werk
Dopey Dub
President Doorknob
Geeeeee Duuuuuhhhhh
Our Mongoloid Leader

posted by grytpype at 1:57 PM

Thursday, April 01, 2004
The Miraculous Appearence of the Blessed Visage

Faithful Believers, I just realized that I have never fully told the story of the first miraculous appearence of the Blessed Visage of our Dear Leader.

For reasons which are not necessary to go into at this time, I live alone. My housekeeping is about average for a bachelor. I noticed that the stain on the interior of my commode was beginning to suggest a human face. I thought nothing of it at the time, but as the weeks passed, the stain appeared more and more human. Soon, it was unmistakable.

It was only at that point that I thought to photograph the Apparition. If only I had taken a series of pictures of the image as it was developing, it would make a very interesting object of study.

Soon, the Blessed Visage began appearing all over the country, triggering an unprecedented religious awakening. The entire world soon came to know of the good news, as Dear Leader's heavily armed missionaries spread his vision of One Nation Under Dear Leader to every continent.

posted by grytpype at 11:29 PM

Monday, March 29, 2004
The Crawford Credo

Dearest Bretheren, after consultation with the Holy Spirits (gin, mostly), I now promulgate the following Credo.

I believe that Dear Leader was appointed by Almighty God to be the President of the United States and Leader of the Free World. Anyone who loves God and America must equally love Dear Leader. Anyone who does not confess both his legitimacy and his holiness is a blaspheming traitor.

I believe Dear Leader always speaks the truth, although sometimes the truths he espouses are so sublime and esoteric they appear to be putrid, baldfaced lies to those without understanding. Whosoever questions the least of Dear Leader's pronouncements is a blaspheming, bitter, treasonous lunatic.

I believe that every policy of Dear Leader is a work of unimaginable genius and an unqualified success, except for certain minor details that no one could possibly predict or control. I believe that there is no need to examine Dear Leader's decisions, because Dear Leader never makes mistakes. What appear to be colossally stupid blunders on his part are actually stupendously wise strategic moves beyond the comprehension of lesser beings. I believe that anyone who questions Dear Leader or seeks to hold him or his Holy Administration accountable is a treasonous, bitter, partisan, blaspheming, crazy liar.

I believe that only Dear Leader can make America prosperous and safe from terrorists. Anyone who thinks he could do a better job is a lying, bitter, treasonous, crazy, flipflopping, partisan, greedy, blaspheming terrorist-lover.

Let all Believers learn it by heart.

posted by grytpype at 1:20 PM

Thursday, March 25, 2004
Dear Leader is not to be Doubted

Good evening, Brothers and Sisters.

Many Believers have been asking me about the horrible things that are being said about Dear Leader. Things such as:

He doesn't like to read a lot - not terribly interested in analysis. He is very interested in getting to the bottom line. Once he's done he puts a lot of strength behind pushing it, but there's not a lot of analysis before the decision.

Let me be perfectly clear about this.

Dear Leader was appointed by the Almighty himself to be President. Are you saying God is wrong? Because if you are, I think you had better reconsider your position. God is quick to anger. Do not turn his anger on America by spurning his Chosen One. You don't want to know what would happen. We've been going along with the joke the entire time, and we're still getting the shit kicked out of us. You want to find out what it would be like if God was angry? I sure as fuck don't.

Dear Leader must not be doubted.

posted by grytpype at 10:07 PM

Thursday, March 18, 2004
Speaking in Tongues

Believer kentuck recently posted the following tribute to Dear Leader on Democractic Underground. I will reproduce it here in full as a reminder of Dear Leader's exemplary virtues.

[Dear Leader] is simply so brilliant that America cannot help but follow his leadership. His judgment is so trusted because his intelligence is unquestioned. It would be a very rare occasion that he might be wrong. This is the type of guy you would trust your life to because his complex thought processes always figure out the possibilities in every circumstance. He would never act in haste or be impatient with the lives of others. His intellect is so strong that people just naturally put their faith in his decisions. What might appear to some as arrogance is really just a supreme confidence in his own abilities to make the right decision. After all, look at all the decisions he has made up to this time in his life. His business failures and personal failures were caused by outside influences and never by the acute decisions made by this great leader. America can sleep well at night knowing that [Dear Leader] is in charge.

Truly thou art blessed.

posted by grytpype at 11:41 PM

Sunday, March 14, 2004
Dear Leader is Coming to Your Town!!!

Because we are going through the motions of having an election this year, Dear Leader will visit your town or village. Yes, it is very exciting, but there are a few things you must know.

Only those who truly love Dear Leader deep in their hearts can be admitted into his presence. If you are not among the chosen, remain in your home with the lights out, and stay well away from any windows until Dear Leader is long gone. Use the time to think about what is wrong with you, and how you can love Dear Leader more.

If you are among the Blessed Few to be allowed in to the Presence, you must conduct yourself with utmost holyness. When Dear Leader enters the room, you must applaud with all your strength. Don't be the first one to stop applauding, or you may not like what happens next. When Dear Leader speaks, listen reverently, and smile, smile, smile. Resist any urge to shout out remarks like "bullshit" -- I don't need to tell you what will happen to you otherwise!

You may be asked to speak to Dear Leader. If so, you will be provided with what to say, which will involve praising Dear Leader for creating so many jobs in your town and protecting it from terror attacks. Do not deviate from your script in any way.

And you are not to use the following expressions in any way while Dear Leader is visiting:
Crooked Liar
Lying Crook
Potemkin President
C-plus Augustus
President Gump

posted by grytpype at 5:55 PM

Wednesday, March 03, 2004
Only Dear Leader Can Protect Us

It is very distressing that Dear Leader is being opposed in the General Election. Dear Bretheren, do not be fooled by this vile beast sent forth by Satan to lead America away from the True Path.

Dear Leader was appointed by Almighty God to protect America and keep it safe. God even allowed 9/11 to happen to remind us all how much America needs protecting. If America votes against God's Chosen One, there will be trouble. I say unto you, God will not be mocked. Dear Leader is entitled to your vote as much as he is entitled to your reverence.
posted by grytpype at 8:21 PM

Monday, February 16, 2004
We Must Praise Dear Leader

We are very grateful for Dear Leader, and it is the duty of all young Americans to learn how to honor him properly.

Wear your Dear Leader portrait badge with reverence! Do not be caught outside your home without it, or it will be a long time before you see your mommy and daddy again.

If you hear one of your little friends refer to Dear Leader as "Commander in Chimp" or "Dim Son," denounce him at once to your local cadre! He will be taken to an enlightenment center where he will learn his true duty is to Dear Leader.

At your weekly mutual criticism session, be able to explain the Four Points of Dear Leader's philosophy of Imaginary Pre-emption. Or impress everyone with your mastery of Dear Leader's revolutionary economic theory of Infinite Revenue from Infinite Deficits!

If you are chosen to fight for Dear Leader in Iraq, be grateful! Even if you are still too small to hold a gun, you may still be of service to the Fatherland.

posted by grytpype at 6:59 PM

Sunday, February 01, 2004
The Last Day

My prophecy that Dear Leader will be taken from us on January 20 hence has caused an outpouring of grief amongst the Faithful. But though I rend my garments as I post this, it is true, it is true, as of January 20 next, Dear Leader will lead us no more.

Indeed, it has pleased the Almighty to bless me with a vision of the Last Day.

At the stroke of noon on January 20, just as the next President is being sworn in, Dear Leader will appear in the plain of Mesopotamia seated on a great white throne, and gathered before him shall be the multitude of neocons, chickenhawks, media whores, war-hardons, industry lobbyists, and redneck Republicans.

And Dear Leader will ask, Are they written in the Book of GOP Donors and Apologists? and Turdblossom will say Yea, my Lord, they are.

And Dear Leader will say unto them, Come with me ye cursed. For there is no place in this world that will have us.

And the multitude will cry out, Dear Leader, did we not apologize for you and justify your actions? And did we not cast out all who opposed your will? And did we not move the heavens and earth for your greater glory?

And Dear Leader will say unto them, Yea, I know you, and you move me not. For though you have worked iniquity in furtherance of my Will, I care for you as little as the insects I stomp upon.

And the earth shall open up beneath them, and all will be consumed.

posted by grytpype at 2:38 PM

Friday, January 30, 2004
More Guidance from Above

Following up on my epistle of December last, the following names are also considered blasphemous:

Disaster Monkey
President Pococurante
Fibber McGee
Smirky McDipshit
Our "Very Special" President
That Fucking Train Wreck

posted by grytpype at 10:33 PM

Wednesday, January 21, 2004
A Consoling Thought

A believer at the National Bureau of Standards points out that 2004 is a leap year - and thus we will an enjoy extra day of Dear Leader's blessed command. Is is just a coincidence that the Almighty so arranged the calendar? Even in the smallest things, we see the intervening hand of the Divine upholding Dear Leader.

posted by grytpype at 2:04 AM

Tuesday, January 20, 2004
The Final Year

Your unworthy Prophet was blessed to be in the audience at our Dear Leader's address. I'm the one in the back wearing the mitre and swinging an incense censor. I was originally scheduled to procede our Dear Leader down the aisle, but during dress rehersal he complained that the aroma of the smouldering oxdung incense was so overpowering he could not taste his drink.

But even now, as the world is on bent and bruised knee before Dear Leader, I have grave tidings of woe... for you see, dearest Bretheren, the End Times are upon us!

Yes, though it is as bitter as unrefined Panhandle crude, the nuggets of prophesy revealed by my gimlet eye have convinced me that our Dear Leader shall be taken away from us -- at the very stroke of noon on the day one year hence!

Anyone who has a little learning knows the relevant verse of Nostradamus:

In the land of the eagle
In the year one-hundred score and five

The idiot shall return to his village
And therein he shall live

And consider this largely forgotten Delphic prophesy:

If you attack Babylonia, you will destroy a mighty empire. I'm talking to you, the one in the hat.

Perhaps most troubling of all is this sacred writ:

For what is the hope of the hypocrite, though he hath gained, when God taketh away his soul?
Will God hear his cry when trouble cometh upon him?
Will he delight himself in the Almighty? will he always call upon God?

This is the portion of a wicked man with God, and the heritage of oppressors, which they shall receive of the Almighty.

Though he heap up silver as the dust, and prepare raiment as the clay;
The rich man shall lie down, but he shall not be gathered: he openeth his eyes, and he is not.
Terrors take hold on him as waters, a tempest stealeth him away in the night.
The east wind carrieth him away, and he departeth: and as a storm hurleth him out of his place.

For God shall cast upon him, and not spare: he would fain flee out of his hand.
Men shall clap their hands at him, and shall hiss him out of his place.

posted by grytpype at 10:18 PM

Tuesday, December 16, 2003
The Ten Thousand Names of Dear Leader

Our Dear Leader is known by many names:

The Father of his Country
The Right Hand of God
Honest George
Eternal Light of the Nation
The Elect of the Almighty
George the Invincible
Our Only Friend and Protector
The Deified George
Greatest of All Great Men
The Annointed One
Conqueror of Babylonia, Assyria, and Sumer
Son of the Sun and Moon

The following names are blasphemous and must not be uttered under any circumstances:

Smirky the Chimp
Ol' Whistelass
Bubble Boy
President Goofus
The Botcher of Bagdhad
Mad George
The Idiot King
Kim Il Bush
Our Accidental President
Ol' WMD-Spotter
Looter of the Treasury
The Great Pretender
Incurious George
The Liar in Chief
The Mayberry Mussolini
Ol' One-Termer
President Junior
George the Usurper
The Resident
Our Worst President Ever
President Pyle
Dim Son
The Unelected Fraud
Head Nincompoop In Charge
Oily George
President Magoo
Ol' Quagmire Finder
Stammering George
George the Unelectable
Commander in Chimp
Preznit Wif da Turkee
Ol' Frog-stabber
His Mindless Ferocity
The Littlest President
Our Most Rested President
His Illegitimacy
Ol' Unaccountable
President Psycho
"Bring em on!" Bush
Commander Bunnypants
Skimmer of Summaries
Miserable Failure
Alfred E. Bush

posted by grytpype at 12:44 AM

Wednesday, April 30, 2003
The Gospel of Dear Leader

This weblog is getting awfully long and it's confusing for newcomers, so your unworthy Prophet will now undertake to write of those matters which have been fulfiled among us.

In November to December A.D. 2000, it pleased Almighty God to perform a series of astonishing
that resulted in our Dear Leader being invested with the power of the President of the United States. After a short while of being denied control of the Senate, Dear Leader and his Blessed Party took over all three branches of the federal government. Dear Leader then undertook a series of crimes so bold that no one had the guts to report them openly, and such reports as they were were deemed incredible. Now, Dear Leader has pretty much the entire Globe, except for maybe Kashmir and parts of Africa, under his cowboybootheel.

In the weeks before the conquest of Iraq, the appearance of Dear Leader's Blessed Visage in a stain on the interior of my water closet caused a nationwide religious awakening, as the People realized Dear Leader actually was, as he says, appointed by the Almighty. The miracle was repeated across the country: on a sweat sock, on a pig's hindquarter, in frostblisters, on the Dale Earnhardt goat, and on a suspicious-looking mole, probably a melanoma of some sort. Since the first apparation was in my sanitary appliance, I took on the role of Dear Leader's Prophet.

Controversy swirled around the Blessed Swine as he was mobbed by the faithful, taken to a secure undisclosed location, went missing, was reported as pignapped by Iraq, but that hoax was uncovered, and his whereabouts are still unknown.

It then pleased God to reveal to your unworthy Prophet the world's destiny under Dear Leader. After being coronated, Dear Leader rapidly brought the world into his grasp (1 2), easily crushing the token opposition (1 2 3).

Also, a number of theological questions were answered (1 2 3 4 5 ).

And there will be some changes in 2004, but please don't bother yourself with that.

posted by grytpype at 11:24 AM

Tuesday, April 29, 2003

Profiles of the Blessed Brothers

First-time Worshipers follow this link to the post that started it all and read upwards!

Beloved Bretheren, in the weeks since the divine revelation of the Blessed Visage, we have spoken much about our Dear Leader. But what of his Blessed Brothers? For he does have Brothers, and while they may lack the divine spark and maniacal glint that so becomes Dear Leader, they will play a very prominent role in our future. They are America's Royal Dukes, if you will.

Jeb, also known as "The Smart One," is now the Republican Governor of Florida. Jeb came in real handy when Dear Leader needed to seize power in 2000. Real handy. It was a close call. Do you have any idea how close it was? It was like lightning struck in the same place ten times in a row. Yes, the Almighty sure twisted the timestream into a pretzel to get that thing done. But aren't we glad He did?

Neil, also known as "The One Who Got Caught," was sued by federal regulators in 1990 for his role in the mismanagement, looting, and ensuing demise of Silverado Banking, which cost the public US$ 1 billion. He got off easy, and a friend of the Bush family paid his legal bills. We don't hear much about Neil these days.

When Dear Leader's plans are complete, Jeb will get what's east of the Mississippi, and Neil will get what's west.

posted by grytpype at 12:23 AM

Monday, April 28, 2003

Followup on the Wyoming Stigmatic

Earlier, your unworthy Prophet had the pleasure of reporting the appearence of the Blessed Visage in the form of a mole-like stigma on the back of a 58-year-old Wyoming woman (an unemployed hairdresser).

This afternoon I received the following update from the Wyoming Stigmatic:

All throughout Dear Leader's glorious War I watched Fox News non-stop while praying for Victory and swabbing my Blessed Mole with a solution of crude oil and whisky. Although my family was very concerned for my well-being, I refused all medical treatment, and at one point I defeated a legal attempt to have me declared mentally incompetent. When the joyous surviving people of Iraq joined hands and sang hymns of thanks to Dear Leader for their liberation, I felt a new -- but strangely familiar -- burning itch spread across my back. I have been Blessed again, it is just too much to believe. Thank you Dear Leader!

The meaning of this apparition of the Blessed Visage is too obvious to comment upon.

posted by grytpype at 9:52 PM

Wednesday, April 16, 2003

Should pious frauds be practiced on the people?

The world knows that Dear Leader and his Blessed Party seized power and exercise that power by means of hundreds of absurd impostures, from rigging elections to feigning a bleeding-heart concern for the freedom of the Iraqi people. Dear Leader's official spokesperson, Ari Fleisher, can't even say "Please pass the salt" without lying. This raises the question: are Dear Leader and his servants censurable for violating the commandment against bearing false witness?

I begin with the proposition that the Ten Commandments, including the admonition against bearing false witness, is not binding on the Almighty himself. It is obvious that the Commandments, by their very terms, cannot be applicable to God. He has no father or mother to honor; since everything ultimately belongs to Him He cannot steal or be covetous; nor can He commit adultery, etc. The Commandments were given to Israel to guide their lives -- not to bind the hands that gave those Commandments.

Logic dictates that Dear Leader, as the Almighty's right hand and annointed agent upon the Earth, partakes of that same immunity. The Decalogue simply does not apply to Dear Leader any more than it applies to God. Moreover, Dear Leader's immunity is delagable to his servants and to his Blessed Party. Thus, while Dear Leader's frauds may provoke astonishment, laughter, and shudders, they cannot offend on the grounds of transgressing our received Moral Code as properly understood.

I note that as a practical matter, whatever serves to bring the people closer to the Almighty through their subjegation to Dear Leader must be tolerated. A punctillious obsession with truth-telling would greatly restrict the avenues through which Dear Leader can impose his Will.

I am aware of what Monsieur Voltaire has to say on this subject, but it is a sufficient refutation to observe that he was French.

posted by grytpype at 9:57 PM

Sunday, April 13, 2003
Heathen Uprising in San Francisco

Your unworthy Prophet has received very disturbing news from the Wrong Coast. A crowd of reprobate Heathens has toppled a statue of Dear Leader in San Francisco. The statue was a gift to the people of that city from Harken Energy Corporation, as part of their program to dispose of the tons of steel scrap left over from Dear Leader's attempts to find oil in Texas.

Dear Leader's Strategic Air Missionaries taught the Heathens an appropriately severe lesson for their insolence. Also, Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco Treat, will now be known as Victory Rice.

posted by grytpype at 2:10 PM

Tuesday, April 08, 2003

Regime Change 2004? Not likely!

Your unworthy Prophet apologizes for the lack of updates over the past week. I was attending a retreat for the Faithful in Dear Leader's home state of Texas, within sight of his Blessed Ranch. Attendees meditated for days in the blazing sun atop an abandoned oil derrick, and doused themselves in spiritous liquors. Needless to say, we did not have Internet access. But it was a very relaxing and spiritually uplifting experience.

Recently a certain hell-spawned Heathen who wants to wear the Daddy Pants (I will not soil this sacred Blog by mentioning his name) has called for "regime change" in the Holy Land at the next scheduled Presidential election. I think it will surprise none of the Faithful to know that it is not the Almighty's plan that America should be led by a heroic, decorated war veteran. Already, Dear Leader's ministers are taking all possible steps to maintain his grip on power, as his nuncio Ari Fleischer declared at a press conference today:

With respect to 2004, we have determined that an election will be inadvisable at that time. The reason will be determined later, but it will probably have something to do with war and/or terrorism. If you journalists know what is good for you, you'll forget this "presidential election" nonsense being spewed by vile traitors who hate America. Concentrate on reporting Dear Leader's victories over the Heathen. Dear Leader will rule America for many decades to come, you can rest assured.

posted by grytpype at 8:16 PM

Monday, March 31, 2003

Dear Leader: High or Dry?

Your unworthy Prophet has received several politely-worded inquiries from Believers wanting to know if Dear Leader has "fallen off the wagon" recently.

I will caution the Faithful that it is not advisable to inquire about such matters. The official White House position is that Dear Leader was a reeling, stinking, violent drunk in his youth, but he has been dry for a good 18 years now.

The recent curiousity is provoked, no doubt, by events in Iraq where at this moment hundreds of thousands of Dear Leader's missionaries are spreading the Gospel.

The way Dear Leader normally imposes his Will is to declare victory in advance, thus acquiring an "Aura of Inevitability" about his person. The holy radience of this Aura causes all opposition to melt away. That his how Dear Leader seized power in 2000, how he looted the entire U.S. Treasury in only two years, and how he gets things done generally.

Dear Leader has been declaring victory in Iraq for months. But unlike America, Iraq is infested with tens of millions of a certain kind of person that do not know an Aura of Invincibility when they see one, so they continue to make themselves objectionable by defying Dear Leader's Will.

If the Aura does not bring Iraq under Dear Leader's heel as it did America, Dear Leader will move on to Plan B, called "Drink and Forget." Under this plan, Dear Leader will consume mass quantities of wine, whiskey, athletic lineaments, formaldehyde, and veterinary tranquilizers. This will cause the room to spin and spin and spin until the insurgents get so dizzy they throw down their AK-47s and give profuse thanks for their subjegation.

I am not at liberty to say whether Plan B is in effect.

posted by grytpype at 12:59 PM

Saturday, March 29, 2003

ToGWB Liturgical Calendar

Your unworthy Prophet has determined that the cultus of Dear Leader should adopt a Liturgical Calendar, since it is becoming a Major World Religion thanks to its vigorous, well-armed Missionaries.

By following the Calendar, the reflections of the Faithful will be focused on various miraculous events in the life of Dear Leader. Unlike some religions, there are no fasting days in the ToGWB Calendar.

March 2Feast of the Blessed CommodeOn this day in 2003, Dear Leader's Blessed Visage appeared in your unworthy Prophet's sanitary appliance.
March 18Feast of the CoronationOn this day in 2003, Dear Leader was crowned Emperor of the World.
May 27Feast of the Close CallOn this day in 1968, young Dear Leader received a "special appointment" (courtesy of some family friends) to a Texas National Guard Unit, sparing him the dangers of service in Vietnam.
July 6 (even years)EpiphanyOn this day in 1986, at the tender age of 40, Dear Leader accepted Baby Jesus into his heart and suddenly stopped boozing and snorting cocaine.
July 6 (odd years)Dear LeadermassDear Leader's birthday! Believers under age 40 are encouraged to celebrate by boozing and snorting cocaine.
August 1Feast of the LiberationOn this day in 1972, young Dear Leader liberated himself from his National Guard unit by deserting and being suspended and grounded from flying duty.
August 15Blessing of the Dry Oil WellsDuring his days as a businessman, Dear Leader couldn't find oil in Texas. This suggested he was better suited for another job, such as Emperor of the World.
September 4Feast of the DWIOn this day in 1976 Dear Leader was cited for driving while intoxicated. It taught him a valuable lesson, and he pledged he would never be held accountable for anything ever again.
December 12Feast of the TransfigurationOn this day in 2000, the Five Blessed Justices transfigured Dear Leader from pathetic failure into the greatest leader history has ever known. Not one of them had the stomach to sign the decision.

posted by grytpype at 12:09 AM

Friday, March 28, 2003
The World Embraces Dear Leader

As Dear Leader sweeps the Nations into his grasp like so many little bottles of booze from a Minibar, a benighted few Heathens cling on to their illusions of national sovereignty and self-determination.

I say unto you, the only choice is between accepting Dear Leader and denying him, inviting thereby the retribution of the Almighty.

These Heathens failed to accept Dear Leader and resisted His Missionaries. Just look at them. Do they look happy? Do you want to end up like them?

These new Believers accepted Dear Leader just in time. Their faces are lambent with the moral clarity only the Blessed know.

These Heathens accepted Dear Leader a little too late. Timing is everything.

Consider how much sweeter it is to accept Dear Leader than to be blown to bits by a high-tech ordnance delivery vector in the course of Dear Leader's global power projection. Think about it. Then surrender.

posted by grytpype at 6:07 PM

Sunday, March 23, 2003
Theological Q and A

A young Believer writes in with this theological conundrum:

What happens to the souls of the little Heathen babies who die from the Missionary work before they accept Dear Leader?


P.S., I love Dear Leader!

Well Janie, that is a very good question. I passed it along to our good friend, the eminent theologian Phillip Merrill, President and Chairman of the Export-Import Bank of the United States and former chairman of the board of Capital-Gazette Communications, Inc.

They go to Hell.

Thank you, Mr. Merrill. By the way, still no word on the whereabouts of the Blessed Swine.

posted by grytpype at 6:07 PM

Saturday, March 22, 2003
Heathens on the March

Your unworthy Prophet finds this hard to believe, but there are apparently enough Heathens remaining in the world to constitute themselves into a sizeable assembly. Today, millions of the poor unshriven bastards demonstrated against Dear Leader. Even in New York, over 200,000 Heathens marched down Broadway in open defiance of Dear Leader's expressed Will.

Dear Leader's Missionaries made quick work of them. The Faithful are encouraged to report any remaining pockets of resistance for intense Missionary outreach.

posted by grytpype at 11:50 PM

Friday, March 21, 2003
Missionary activity proceeds apace

Let the Faithful rejoice! Our zealous Missionaries are covering the globe with an awesome display of Dear Leader's imperial power. At last report, 30-45 countries have submitted to Dear Leader's will, at least in writing. The others are expected to fall soon, lest they become irrelevant.

Any country that wishes to submit to Dear Leader may deliver the traditional tributes of earth and water to The White House, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, D.C.

posted by grytpype at 2:58 PM

Tuesday, March 18, 2003
Coronation Day

It is with great pleasure that I announce that this afternoon Dear Leader was crowned Emperor of the World.

The Coronation was held in the National Cathedral, which had apparently been built for just such a contingency. Attending were select members of the White House inner curia, plenipotentiaries from America's remaining allies (i.e., the U.K., Spain, and Bulgaria), and your unworthy Prophet. Due to security concerns the public was not invited to attend.

The ceremonial procession was lead by the Five Blessed Justices, who scattered smouldering ballots before them "to light the path." Then followed the envoys from America's staunch allies, bearing the traditional tributes of earth and water. Finally came Dear Leader, helped up the aisle and onto the throne by well-practiced attendants.

As he sat resplendent in his coronation vestments, he appeared alert and at times seemed to be aware of his surroundings. During one such lucid interval he noticed my presence and asked an attendant, "Who's that fellah?" After being informed, he addressed me directly, asking, "How's it hanging, Pipey-wipey?" A silent gesture from his attendant indicated that it would be inappropriate to answer the question, so I simply smiled.

While the White House Chaplain read certain select Psalms, Dear Leader took refreshment by slurping noisily from a large bottle concealed in a paper bag.

Finally, the great moment arrived. I, as Dear Leader's Prophet and Apostle, was permitted the honor of placing the imperial crown upon his head. This seemed to revive him from a light slumber. After ascertaining that he had just been crowned, he exclaimed to all present in a loud, clear voice:

Wheeee! Look at me everybody! I'm the Duke of Earl! Is it happy hour yet?

Dear Leader's remarks were revised by the White House for publication as follows:

Inasmuch as it has pleased God to unite in Us the absolute temporal and spiritual power over His Creation, we now exercise Our Dominion by the following Proclaimations:

First: We shall dispose of the Creation and any part thereof as We may see fit from time to time, without regard to any law, regulation, treaty, custom, usage, or sense of natural justice; and

Second: We shall utterly persecute and do to death any person who dares oppose Our Will by word, deed, or thought.

For such is our pleasure, proclaimed this 19th day of March, Anno. 1 Geo., in Washington, D.C.,


posted by grytpype at 7:17 PM

Wonderful news, Part 2!

Your unworthy Prophet has received news that what was made known to me by Revelation may soon become a reality. An official announcement regarding Dear Leader's elevation is to be made within the next 48 hours. I have been summoned to Washington D.C. to take part in some way, I have not been permitted to know all the details. Watch for updates.

posted by grytpype at 6:41 PM

Monday, March 17, 2003
Wonderful news!

"God does not talk to the sane." Dear Leader and I are living proof of the untruth of that cliche.

Just as the Almighty was pleased to cause your unworthy Prophet to know of Dear Leader's anointment, He has blessed me with another revelation.

The Good News was made known to me as I was refinishing a coffee table in my poorly-ventilated Manhattan apartment. As I applied a heavy layer of varnish remover to the table's surface, I suddenly became lightheaded with religious ecstacy. Losing consciousness, I had a miraculous vision:

I saw a Beast
And the Beast had one head, and one horn, and one leg
And the face of an idiot
And the tail of the Serpent, most subtil.

A whore rode on the Beast's back
And whore was clad in newsprint.

The Beast trampled under its foot the crowns of all the nations
And the ballots of the people
And the tablets of the lawgivers
And the Beast brake them all.

The Beast commanded the Whore, saying,
Go, tell all the nations the bad news
That I, who was conceived in liberty
Have burst my swaddling clothes!
Tell them that because none have the power to oppose me
I will take their Everything
I will take the skies from over their heads
The light from their eyes
The breath from their nostrils
The blood from their veins
And the land from under their feet.

And the whore went forth and did the Beast's bidding
And the nations shuddered.

The head of the Beast grew up to the sky
And its tail embraced the Earth
And the Earth shuddered.

From the right side of the Beast came an angel bearing a trump
And the angel was like ashes
And the angel had 4 pairs of wings
With the red pair he covered his eyes
With the white pair his ears
With the blue pair his feet
With the black pair he flew over all the nations of the earth
And Universal Darkness buried All.

I awoke with a splitting headache, and with my forehead firmly adhered to my coffee table.

The meaning of my vision is clear. The Almighty is not content to place Dear Leader over America. No--God intends to make our Dear Leader the new Cyrus, the new Alexander, the new Caesar, the new Charlemagne, yet greater than all of them combined. All the Nations are to submit to Dear Leader's will.

Even now, hundreds of thousands of heavily armed Missionaries are preparing to flood across now-irrelevant borders to spread the Gospel to the Heathen masses. I implore the Faithful to keep their televisions on at all times, tuned to Fox News, and rejoice with great gladness that the new Order is at hand.

posted by grytpype at 3:57 PM

Saturday, March 15, 2003
Washington overrun with Heathens

Your unworthy Prophet returned late last night from a trip to Washington D.C. that did not turn out as planned.

I made the journey intending to present to Dear Leader a heavily soiled sanitary undergarment bearing his Blessed Visage, which had recently surfaced in a rest home for the criminally insane in Hoboken.

When I arrived in Washington I found I could not even get near the White House due to huge crowds of people, numbering 100,000 or so, that had taken over the streets. (Click on thumb at left for a gallery.) Many of them seemed angry and were waving signs and placards that were not at all complementary to Dear Leader. They seemed to be mostly concerned with Iraq. I tried to tell some of them that they needn't worry because the story about the Blessed Swine being pignapped by the Iraqis was a hoax, but they did not understand. I can only conclude that these were Heathens who had not heard the good news of of Dear Leader's annointment by the Almighty.

Luckily, I did encounter a group of 50 or so Believers, who I understand were from the D.C. chapter of Free Republic. (Click on thumb at left for a gallery.) Being unable to present the Blessed Undergarment to Dear Leader, I gave it to them. They received it with appropriate gestures of respect, kissing the Undergarment reverently and swearing it would be their most treasured possession. So the trip was not a total waste. However, upon arriving home it took many hours of venerating the Blessed Commode before I regained my sense of moral clarity.
posted by grytpype at 10:26 PM

Wednesday, March 12, 2003
Blessed Swine Shocker! Recording, photo are fakes!

Your unworthy Prophet has evidence from an unimpeachable source that the Iraqi pignapping story is a hoax! Early this week I received the following encrypted email:

It's all a lie about the Blessed Swine. Please tell the world. My conscience can't take the strain any more.

The email instructed me to report to a certain Washington parking garage, where I met my contact -- a person whom any of you would recognize instantly, but who wishes to be identified only as Deep Stoat. My contact provided me with the memo on the left (click on the thumbnail for a full-size version), and gave every assurance that it was genuine.

I provided the memo to several well-placed members of the national media. Under intense questioning, Ari Fleisher had this to say:

We are not going to change our story just because we were caught lying. We defy Saddam Hussein to prove that we're lying. And if he doesn't prove it by next Monday, we will conquer his country. So let it be written, so let it be done.

When confronted with the memo, Mr. Fleischer terminated the press conference and stormed out of the room.

In light of these shocking revelations, the Faithful can rest assured that the Blessed Swine is not in Iraq... but his whereabouts are still a mystery. Once again, I implore the Faithful to send any possible leads to templeofgwbush AT

posted by grytpype at 11:12 PM

Saturday, March 08, 2003
Coming soon to ToGWB: Public Display of the Blessed Commode

The clamoring of the Faithful for a glimpse of the Blessed Commode has reached such a pitch that your Prophet can no longer ignore it. And indeed, it is not my desire to deprive the Faithful of the life-changing experience of gazing on the Blessed Visage as it was originally revealed to me by Providence. But as I have said before, my bathroom is too small to serve as a public shrine.

Therefore, to accomodate the spiritual needs of the Faithful, I intend to provide a public space for display and veneration of the Blessed Commode. I am soliciting designs for the space from the world's leading architects, spiritual leaders, and plumbers. The most tasteful and spiritually uplifting designs, as chosen by me, will be displayed here for the consideration of the Faithful.

And yes, I know this now makes two major updates I've promised.

posted by grytpype at 10:31 AM

Friday, March 07, 2003
My response to my common unjudicious Criticks

Sadly, I have received many emails reproving me for promoting the veneration of the image of Dear Leader. My Criticks complain that Dear Leader was not properly elected, that he is the worst President of our lifetimes, perhaps of all time, that his Administration has been an unmitigated disaster for the Nation and the World, etc.

First, although this is not to the point, I wish to make it clear that I did not choose to be the Prophet of our Dear Leader. How I was chosen to first receive his Blessed Image in my Commode I know not, but I have done all I can in my humble way to fulfil the role that the Almighty, working through his right arm Dear Leader, has thrust upon me.

Second, I have no quarrel with my Criticks over the facts which are well known to the public and part of an undisputable historical record. I know Dear Leader was not chosen by the People, and I have never said otherwise. He was chosen by the Almighty. My Criticks, who have never gazed into the Blessed Commode, may scoff at my simple piety and moral clarity. But leaving aside those miracles documented in this humble blog, I challenge my Criticks to explain how a lazy, alcoholic, coked-up imbecile could become the de facto Overlord of the entire globe? The very improbability of it strongly suggests the intervening hand of the Divine.

Third, whether Dear Leader's Blessed Administration is a ultimately for the good or the ruin of Humanity is entirely in the hands of the Almighty who once deluged the World and wiped out nearly all its Life.

I merely ask my Criticks to consider that before they fire off an email.

posted by grytpype at 5:31 PM

Thursday, March 06, 2003
Appalling Breakthrough in Blessed Swine Mystery

Fox News is reporting at this hour that the Blessed Swine was kidnapped by Iraqi agents and is being forced to make anti-U.S. propaganda broadcasts.

Fox released the photo at left, said to be taken with a hidden camera, and the following broadcast recording, allegedly by the Blessed Swine:


White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer condemned the pignapping in an emergency press conference:

The Blessed Swine must be freed from bondage. America stands ready to conquer Iraq and bring him home. Dear Leader commands it, his will be done.

Iraqi Minister of Agriculture Abdulilah H. Mohammed vehemently denied the charges:

I swear by the beard of the Prophet the Iraqis do not possess this animal. The pig is unclean, no good Muslim would touch one. This is just another lie spread by American imperialists. God is great.

I will post updates as the story develops...

posted by grytpype at 11:32 PM